Boo!!! I’m Back!

Can you forgive me? I know, I have disappeared for so long, and I think my excuses alone could fill up 3 pages of this blog! Let’s put it this way – no news is good news…we all know that saying dont we!
I am doing really good everyone. Sarawithstars, I am so sorry I havent updated in so long. I am writing this blog mostly for you. I am always thinking about all the people out there that are still suffering and am never going to give up in trying to help in anyway I can. I promise that.
I had my latest xray this past January and things are looking really good. I am starting to get a real spine again. My bone is growing which means I am fusing…YAY for me!! I am stoked about it. I am finally becoming human again.
I think back, a year ago, I was a week away from moving to San Diego, I was still in deep suffering, and now…I am doing so much more that I never imagined. Of course, I will never be normal, and I know that. I just dont like talking about it. I like to think of myself as ‘normal’ as I will ever be. Thats my life, so I will consider it normal.
I am so happy with our decision to move here. I am so happy where our family is as a unit right now.
I love Eli more than ever, he has supported me through so much. Kudos to him for sticking with me through all of this. I am closer to my kids and they are closer to me, we all look out for one another. They understand 100% when I say “Mommy’s back is bothering her today” – they just know that I have to take it easy that day, and they help take care of one another. They are the best kids ever. I owe them life.
So much has happened in the last several months. My back is healing, my health is healing, I am healing. I have decided to wean myself off my medications. I was on an extremely high dose of antidepressants, however, I feel that I dont need them anymore. I dont know I can say what is depressing me anymore…so why should I be on medication? Right? I began weaning several months ago and am on the last leg of it right now. I should be done in the next two weeks. Completely done. And I cant wait. I am hoping I can come off my sleeping meds next.

I have also started jogging. I joined a gym and am very active there now. So much I thought that I would not be able to do. I got the Nike Chip and track all of my progress as well. I have ran nearly 50 miles so far. My surgeon is so proud of me.
My dearest, best friend Aimee came to visit in December for a 17 days and having her here was exactly what I needed to remind me of what I am capable of doing in my life. She is so positive, so full of life, that she inspired me to never give up. She reminded me of how much we are both capable of doing together. She is in her final semester of school right now, graduating with her masters, I am hoping she will move here, and keep inspiring me. I cant believe how much her support helps.

Now, its not all sunshine and butterflies!! I still have flareups. I still have days that I feel awful, days I am bed bound and days I hurting so bad I wonder if the surgery did anything at all. But those days are just days…thats it. When before, they were weeks…So at the end, I’ll take it. A day here or there is much more tolerable than weeks at a time.
As I type, it is colder and rainy in San Diego and I am pretty flared up from it. But its ok. It actually keeps me in check. Reminds me of everything I am grateful for. Reminds me what life could be like every day had I not did all that I did.
I will upload a video soon, I promise. I have been slacking, I know. I owe everyone a response.
Thank you for reading!!!

Zahra Baker, RIP

I knew Zarha was dead long before the call was placed to authorities on October 9th. I figured she died a brutal death, at the hands of those she regarded the most. It was easy to see that she was an abused child, just happy that someone was willing to care for her in light of her health.

But what I never imagined was that she was raped. The latest details that have emerged are so disturbing, it would make Charles Manson cringe. How in the world does a parent subject their children to such violence against their own flesh and blood? Nonetheless, a child with such a eventful medical history in all of her 10 little years of life.
As a side note: my daughter was born with an immune deficiency. With this came along a lot of health concerns, especially in her first year of life. She was so fragile and caught illnesses so quickly and they took such a toll on her. My husband and I were her number 1 agents. We made sure everything was in place in order for her to avoid germs as much as humanly possible. Yes, we know, not everything can be avoided, but we did what we could and made awareness where needed. With that said, I, during this time, suffered a spinal injury that was irreversible. Under no circumstance was my daughter’s health issue in the way of my health issue. They were on two totally different spectrum’s. One had nothing to do with the other. I dealt with my issues as needed and tended to my daughter’s issues 100%.
I compare this because Zahra’s step(beast)mother has brought to the public’s attention several times that she is sick too, and she needs medical care too, and that she isnt feeling good either….wah wah wah!!!! Booohooo for her, right?
Apparently not. She took it upon herself to make sure that if Zahra was going to make some noise in regards to how she feels…the beast was going to be sure to take care of it, her style.
To place the girl in a home with two male monsters and allow her to be raped is just despicable. I can not fathom a split second of being in that room. The poor girl probably didnt have her hearing aids so had no idea if her screams were being heard, or what was going on in the room. What was going to happen next? And if she didnt have her leg, she probably had a hard time escaping as well.
In reports, it states, that the stain on the mattress that was found, was quite profound. Its been mentioned that there were large amounts of blood found between her legs when her remains were finally uncovered. What kind of animal does that? What type of person grows up to harm someone so defenseless? Where does the blame lay? On the upbringing? On the person? On genes? I think of my children, and my god, I would not comprehend if they perceived harm on someone, big or small. I would blame myself, hundred percent. It is my duty, our duty as adults and parents, to teach them right from wrong, to feel empathy, to feel euphoria for helping in something, and sorrow when they can not.
For those pigs that are still out there, roaming around, knowing that you did this to a little defenseless girl, and were a main player in her brutal death….may you rot with every single breathe you take.
RIP Zahra.

Trying To (re) Treat.

More like: Trying to Cope.
But thats a bit dramatic, isnt it?
So, Ive done it. Ive achieved what I thought was unachievable, undeniably, unequivocally the most difficult medical ordeal of my current existence. I have been an emotional wreck and the worst part if it all is that there are too many different bits of contributing factors for what I have been feeling like over the past 4 weeks or so. I think once November 5th hit, I realized that I was indeed going through something and that it was to come to surface on that exact date. Is it possible? Did my depression peak? So – as most people would think, when given a recovery span of 6 months, once that 6 months comes along and things have only minimally improved, then perhaps the brain on its own goes into panic. I didnt even realize that this is what was happening to me. My husband thought for sure that I was homesick and I needed to go back to New York…but once he said that, I thought for a second and it did register that it might be a playing factor, but as I let it sink in, I realized –> No Way am I homesick from NY. Dont get me wrong, I miss everyone. I had everyone in my life for various reasons, my friends for to meet each need of friendship relationship, family to meet each need of a familial relationship. Each place I went to, I had a connection there, I had someone to say hello to, or to pop in on and pay a quick visit. Quick phone calls I can make because all but one or two people are going about their day in the exact same schedule as mine. Places to escape to for a yummy treat or a special low budget shopping therapy..with the thought in mind that if I came across something irresistible, I always had a way to revisit..accompanied. I had. I had. I had. I think thats what its coming to. I had so much going for me, for my children and most of all for my role as a wife and mother. My husband and I had the best relationship, thats not gone, please do not misinterpret that. Our relationship is better than the day before, following the same path it has since the day we first met…the following day always filled with more love and admiration for one another. That being said, we arent missing anything like that here. I am missing everything else that went along with that. I would go to my daughter’s school and have familiar faces at every turn I made. Grocery shopping I could do with my eyes closed, going for a nice dinner alone with husband is definitely another thing I miss terribly. On a rainy day, I knew exactly what to do to keep the kids happy and content. On a snowy day, we had just as many options. And when it came to a halt, a seize in ideas…well then there was always family that didnt judge you. That loved seeing your face the moment you walked in their door. I could always pop in and surprise my Father at his work, for sure I know I lightened his day up as well. To get to see his daughter and granddaughters on a day that may have been, moments before, a total nightmare with a nagging boss and customers that were simply unreleasable. Even if I popped in for a quick second, it was always the highlight of our day. I never pulled out of the restaurants parking lot without have a smile plastered on my face and my children faces from ear to ear.
As if that wasnt good enough, all it took was a right about a quarter of a mile up, then a left, another left and within one minute I could be giving my Mother the exact same surprise at her work. And that came with the exact same results. All were happy, and sometimes I even surprised my Mom with Lunch or a nice fresh hot cup of Dunkin Donuts. Never a dull moment. Not while I was there. She would be so happy to show off her grandkids and her face would light up in ways only my kids can trigger. As I type this, I am realizing that prior to this I dont think I wrote about too many positive things, did I? Yes, I had a lot of bad things going on, I felt like shit – for starters. But did I ever weigh the options? Have I ever taken the time to sit and think of both side of this elaborate scenario? Perhaps mentally.
Goes to say – when you like a product you are less likely to pop into the product’s consumer feedback site with raving reviews. Its not until that product shits the bed and starts spewing nothing but problems for you, and then the feedback forum is one of the first we visit.
Seems like its the same concept for me right now. I am clearly missing the little things. We often way too many times forget about the little things that keep us at bay, or our heart at bay, on a daily basis. Who knows what triggered it. I can point my finger at a zillion reasons. But I wont bore you with them. Three that are at my top will be the ones that I mention.
For starters, I have reached my 6 month ‘since having my surgery’ date. Did I think there would be an array of fireworks outside my window? No! But did I think that I could do a little bit more by now? Yes I did. I thought I would be more functional. I thought I could sleep through the night. I thought even my sex life would improve. Thats what I thought. In addition, I thought my pain would be lessened, it has. I thought I could spend less time lined with heating packs and ice packs, I have been. I thought I could dance to the grove, I can. There are definitely aspects that have improved. Its almost like I did more of a trading of symptoms rather than an elimination of symptoms. So be it (for now).
Secondly, my Father was fired from his position at his restaurant. He was working with them for nearly 10 years and without explanation, without any warning, he was let go. This bothers me. It bothers me a lot!! How dare they? How dare they take away his foundation? He is so shocked. My father is rather emotionless, but, unlike other people, my children and his life have brought the best out of him. His past 6 years have been filled with more happiness than his life was when he was a little boy. And I was at the core of that. That feels awesome. Its a great feeling to have, knowing that I may have had a small part in the life changing lifestyle of my very own Father. I wont lie..I take pride it in. My children are my life and they not only bring life and happiness into my life and Eli’s life, but they are the most important little people in my parent’s life as well.
So maybe its sadden me for more than just the obvious reasons. I wont be ever able to pop by the restaurant and surprise him, putting a smile on his face to last the entire rest of his day. I can no longer look at my clock and know what he is doing. The little things. Yes, I realize he’s not dead. He just lost his job, but shit, I want to express how I feel about it because it has really affected him. I want to understand. As I know he would do the same for me.
My Mother will have to take on a whole new bookcase of stress in this matter. As if she wasnt already the breadwinner, now she will be the only one bringing in any money for the two of them. She has always enjoyed working, but I think now she will realize her role there has many titles. Being so far away, it bothers me that I cant be there. It bothers me that the only thing I am capable of doing (since I am not able to help them in any other way financially etc.) and that is lifting their spirits. Instead I am adding to their misery by being so far away, so helpless. Better yet – I am useless.
Lastly (for now), I am missing my friends more than ever before. They were my confidants, the furnaces for my venting, my friends. And now I really dont have any. From so many to not any. Its no fun, let me tell you. Yes we have facebook and all that fun stuff. But its only satisfies to a certain level. Even if I go to a store and get a killer deal on something, I have no one to enjoy that with because the one person I did…is in NY. And when I am driving home from the store, she is already cleaning up after dinner and probably getting her daughter ready for school. Family time, not chat on the phone with Alina time. Over here, when I try to get excited about something like that, I am viewed as bragging. As showing off…and the lip service sirens go blaring. It sucks. It gets lonely. I hate not being able to be myself.
Yes this is a huge bitch session. And I apologize for the boredom of it. Or better yet, the redundancy of it.
But sometimes, you’re all I got.

Missing Children —> Zahra Baker

In the news, yet again this morning, another little girls has gone missing. The Dad is on GMA, looking as stoned faced as possible, even wearing a hideous skull tshirt. Seriously, you’d think he’d wear something a bit more appropriate considering his daughter is missing and his wife was just arrested. Common sense much?
As I type this, truly within minutes, news broke again that the StepMom’s myspace page may hold some clues. The one thing they are pointing at – all the photos of skulls and bones on her site. Its not just me that sees this as a huge red flag, but why did it take so long for it to be noticed? Yes, there will be a backlash of all the people out there that wear dark clothing as such, and that believe in the ‘goth’ lifestyle…and I am not saying anything about the characters of those people. What I am saying is that, this woman and maybe even the man (Zahra’s father…or lack there of)..harbored a lot of ill feelings. I think that she talks a lot about her illness, her disease, her brain cancer..but not a word about Zahra’s condition. My god, the little girl survived a huge illness and yet the Mom cant talk about anything but herself.
Perhaps Daddy, at points, was paying more attention to his own daughter rather than the rants of his wife. That could be enough to make her snap, especially with the way she spoke of herself. She seems very self centered. Then for the family to say they havent seen Zahra in over a month. Wow. And the neighbors and friends that state how awful her home life was. This is such a sad case of neglect and failure of the judicial system. I hope they publish the reports from when CPS was called into the home.
News states that human remains have been found in both cars. That, alone, is eerie. Why in both cars? Is there more than just her? Are there any other children? They havent mentioned any siblings, other than the post on myspace that the stepmom is a mom to four children. Where are they?
As I sit here, trying to come up with a theory, I come up with nothing. I think this will be a very sick ending, and god help all of the other children that are living in the household.

My Testimonial.

Where to begin? Several years ago I lifted something a bit too heavy and POP – out went by lower back.
After going through PT and seeing a Chiropractor, the end conclusion was that I needed a laminectomy. Upon awakening from the procedure, I had felt worse that before I went in.
It took about 5-6 weeks to figure out I needed a revision, this time hoping the results will be as they were expected to be the first time.
No such luck.
Following two failed attempts, I was told there was nothing that could be done to help me. I was shoved off from one pain clinic to the next, having a variety of medications pumped through my system, with most being a failure in helping me with my condition.
I went through epidurals, spinal injections and even underwent the trial for a Spine Stimulator. Nothing was helping me and not only was my body failing physically, I was being failed mentally and emotionally as well. I was referred to a Psychologist, who then also wanted me to see a Psychiatrist, who also thought it was imperative that I go through antidepressant medication therapy..and very high doses of it. All to no avail. I couldnt explain to all of these medical professionals that a pill is not going to help what I endure on a daily basis. My pain was so high that I was chipping away my teeth from grinding them on a daily basis. I have two young children, my youngest only being 4 months old when this all begin, and they only knew Mommy as “broken Mommy”. My oldest, now 6yo, was last held by me 4 years ago. My youngest had to learn how to climb onto and from everything in order for myself to avoid any lifting.
My marriage was held together by belief that we will not give up. Everyday, if it wasnt me then it was my husband reading and researching all information available.
I confided in my therapists, in my pain doctors, in my primary care doctor that although I do feel like giving up on a daily basis – I know there has to be more out there. There is no way that I could be left in this condition and no one out there can help me. People are getting face transplants, but I cant get my back fixed? Not right.

At this time, I lived in NY. I felt like I exhausted all of my medical avenues, all with the same answer “sorry, wish we could help, good luck”.
Since winters are brutal in NY, it was October of 2009 and I, again, was preparing for a painful winter which dubs as a very deep depression.
Which led me to Dr. Leonel Hunt. I wanted to find the very best doctor is all of America. I realized that I was too young to throw the towel in and it was time to do something, whatever it took, to get my life back, which in return would give my children their lives back as well as my husband. We needed to be that unit we once were.
I confided in my husband that I was going to do whatever it takes, and he supported me 100%. Whether he knew at that time that we were going to turn our lives upside down in the next 4 months or not, it didnt matter. He knew I was coming to and end with my pain tolerance. I refused to live my life on a 24 medication regimen.
I researched and researched and the one common denominator that kept coming up with Dr. L. Hunt.
I gathered all the information I could, and called a family meeting. As I presented the information, informing my family that I think I may have found someone that could possibly help me – my family was ecstatic. Then I informed them that it would require for me to take the family and move across the country. Not so ecstatic anymore.
It seemed so far fetched, as my pain was so high that I coudlnt drive an hour away to see family, but I was proposing going to California for a consultation. I was willing to endure anything at this point, if it meant an end to my misery, then so be it. A month later, in November 09, I booked my flight to Los Angeles and booked my appointment with Dr. L. Hunt.
I think I was more nervous for this appointment than I was on my wedding day. After all, this was either going to make me or break me. The staff was wonderful, very welcoming, very warm. However, I was fighting back a flood of tears because up until this point, there was not a single doctor appointment in regards to my spine that ended well. They all ended horribly with myself sobbing all the way home. Needless to say, emotions were high. But one thing that stuck out right from the beginning, was that I didnt have the urge to cry. I met with the nurse, explained my history, and then waited for Dr. Hunt to enter the room. No tears.
He explained to me what he saw on my films and read in my medical reports, and he didnt waiver. He was so professional about my situation, so empathetic, that I suddenly felt that I had a team mate rather than another opponent. I felt that this was the first person that I am not feeling the need to battle to help me. He was game and he was more confident than I ever encountered up until this point. No wonder the tears were not flowing, there was no need for them. He was on my side, for once. He wanted to help me and he felt confident in this decision. He discussed my options with me – my options being two; 1. Do Nothing OR 2. Proceed with a Fusion.
The decision seemed easy enough, right? Except for the fact that he was located in CA and I was in NY. This was not going to stop me. I explained to him my situation and he said he would help in whatever way he could. For the first time, since 2006, I walked out of a doctor’s office without sobbing. I was smiling.
Upon returning to NY, I had a lot to decide on but the easiest part of it was that I finally felt like I had a solution to my many years of agony. There was an end in site and I was going to get to it.
Within a week, our house was on the market, I notified my entire circle of family and friends and my husband began his search for employment as I searched for a place to live. Within 8 weeks, my family of four was moved to San Diego. My husband secured a job, I secured a lease and I finally felt positive about our future. Was it hard? Absolutely. Worth it – absolutely!
During this entire time, Dr. L. Hunt’s staff kept in contact and were there for me if I needed any other assistance before undergoing the surgery.
In May, 2010, I went in for a 2 level lumbar fusion. The care I received was beyond impeccable. Dr. L. Hunt’s bedside manner is award winning. His confidence made me feel so comfortable and made this entire process worth every moment of it. Not a stone left unturned, not a question left lingering – I truly felt like I was the only patient he had.
Prior to surgery, he was there, and upon awakening from surgery, he was there. He came every day to check on me while I was in the hospital and he made sure my recovery was right on cue.
I’m not quite 6 months since my procedure, but I am feeling a world of difference. I feel so much stronger, and more efficient. I would have never been this well along had I not pursued the care of Dr. Hunt. He truly is amazing, and life altering for not only myself, but my entire family. We are forever grateful to him.
I have documented my entire journey, and have had over 10,000 hits, all with positive and remarkable feedback from across the states, all the way to Taiwan!!
I am very very grateful for the medical knowledge and professionalism of the entire Hunt Staff. I would be typing for days if I were to write down all that has changed since I have met Dr. Hunt. All in all – THANK YOU!!

Sincerely,

A.R.

The Guilt.

Oooh. So dramatic…The Guilt, what can she mean by that?? An affair? Indecent thoughts? Skeletons?
No!! Silly! None of those! I am feeling guilt for not feeling guilty for moving to California!!! Is that awful or what. It has been exactly one year to date that my husband and I made our dreams begin to form into a reality.
I remember the day, sitting on my parents love seat, throbbing in pain, wondering how this is going to go over…and blurting out to my Mom about my need for change. Originally I thought I was going to go over there and say “Mom, we need a family meeting” and take it from there..but instead, I was in so much pain that day, that I didnt think about anything else but getting the message out —> I need to move. Soon.

I sat there and just said it ‘Mom, I think we’re going to move, somewhere warm”. My Mom looked at me like I just recited the entire Bible in French. She said, “oh yeah, take the kids away from their grandparents, that the right thing to do, right?”..
As much as I am for my children, and try to be the best Mom, at this moment, this was not regarding anything but myself. I couldnt be the person I am because of my medical condition. I was hating life, I was hating the demands of being a daughter, wife and Mother. I was falling apart and getting very angry in the process. I needed change and I knew that change was not going to find me, I had to seek change myself. So we began our search and at first, we were naive. We were all over the map. Looking at the MAYO clinic in Florida, Arizona..even looking at houses for sale, with my parents, in Florida. I was even in touch with a real estate agent there, but soon enough, after looking into their schooling, crime rates, jobs..I realized that Florida may not be the right place to relocate. So we moved onto Arizona. Learning that dry weather is best for my condition and it helps people like myself a lot, not to mention there is a MAYO clinic in Arizona as well. But again, I was railroaded by the schooling etc.
I decided to do a search for doctors and to see where that takes me, and thats how I found my doctor – Dr. L. Hunt.
The rest is history…only if you have read my other posts!! I met with Dr. Hunt and knew that was the path I needed to take.
Now I find myself, one year later, looking back on this journey. But why am I not jumping up and down with joy? I am very happy, please dont get me wrong. This is the best thing I have ever done in my life, aside from marrying Eli and having my children. I feel so much more rooted here, I feel like there is more of a purpose for us here.
Then I have the routine call to my Mother. And no matter how good the conversation may be, I always feel awfully guilty for moving so far away. I feel guilty for putting my health first, for putting my relationship with my husband first. What gives that I cant shake that ‘daughter-ish’ feeling. I am an adult, so why do I struggle so much with making the best decision on my life? Do I feel guilty for putting such a large gap between my mother and the girls? Absolutely. But do I rather be back in NY and in dire pain still…absolutely not!
We are approaching 8 months now, since we moved across the country, and I want to feel the joy of being here, of having this life changing opportunity, without the guilt.
Will I ever get there? What will it take? I dont want to sacrifice my relationship with anyone in my family in order to achieve it. But at times, I feel even if I am not deliberately sacrificing it, the relationships are being sacrificed on their own.

Getting Fit after Getting Fat

With the bedrest, medications, surgery, lifestyle and every other excuse I can add, I have put on more weight than I ever expected since May 5th.
With my 33rd Birthday a day away, I have made a solid commitment to losing weight and getting in shape.
I have been doing Dance Dance Revolution and love it. I’ve been sweating my ass off and love the competitive part of it as well.
Also, I ordered MBT shoes and hope they will get that flat ass of mine to a fab ass! Madelyn is starting school in one week, so today we also started to get up on our school schedule time. I set my alarm for 6:30a in hopes of getting the DDR done before the kids awake, but since I was a slacking tooth fairy last night….I was up at 2am searching the house for some money!! So – I still did get up, but not until 7am. I dont think thats too bad!! I went to 7-11, got coffee and started my day out great. I have realized getting fresh air first thing in the morning is a big booster as well.
My other daily goal is to have the house tidy before any activity begins…and so far so good with that too.
I just hope I am able to stick to it all. I am hoping that I am not just feeling ‘good’ for the time being and that my level of activity has risen because I am truly getting better finally. Is it too early to say I feel better now that I have finally had the surgery?? I dont feel right saying it, typing and mostly thinking it because I think there are way too many other factors that have played into the way that I feel today. I can most definitely say I feel a whole lot better than I did one year ago. Much happier too!
Ive said it a thousand times already – but I would never be where I am had it not been for the extremely supportive family that I have been blessed with. As painful as my departure has been for my parents, they continue to support me til this day.